You know I have been all over the political map in my life. A lot of it has to do with being a gay guy and a lot of it has to do with my family who were always very political and extreme free thinkers.

In the 70's I love Gerald Ford and John Anderson. Does anyone else remember John Anderson? He was a liberal Republican who ran for Prez in 80. Wish he'd won- but then there I go again.

In the 80's, I was first a liberal, hating everything Reaganesque. I supported Jesse Jackson- until his compulsion for sing song delivery and rhyming everything in his speeches drove me to the brink. Let's face it, Jackson is the Nipsey Russell of politics- charming and wise but basically a Match Game 74 guest panelist.

By mid 80's I was a communist- strident and stupid not to mention reactionary. I guess every kid does something they will later be embarrassed about.

By late 80's as AIDS activism exploded, I was an anarchist- very trendy in the East Village. The high-fashion straight crowd I hung out with (the first group of straights who paid lip service to gay rights that I had ever met) converted me to their cause.

I left the anarchists because of Ayn Rand- I will always love Ayn for that. I had a moment of truth in the early 90's as I left the anarchists on clear night and walked to my subway- are we as men really nothing but sheep and robots- programable by the media and the powers that be? Or are we autonomous beings capable of individual thought and moral decision making? I decided on the later- thank God.

And so I became a libertarian. The early 90's were the golden era of libertarianism- Camille Paglia was in the air. All that 80'c PC posturing was on the outs- Clinton was in. I supported Clinton until DOMA. I voted for the libertarian in 96.

I was so repulsed by the political process by 2000 (not to mention drying out that year- keeping the focus on me) that I sat out Bush v. Gore. Then when the election results came in, I immediately felt guilty for my inactivity and went to Washington on inauguration day with my posse of socialist grandmothers to protest.

I protested everything the Bushies did up until 9/11. I gave him a month off in 2001, but was soon questioning him again. I marched in the anti-war movement early- people were screaming at me on the streets of New York- how dare I protest my government at a time like this?

I did everything I could. I sent emails. I signed petitions. I gave away money.

Then I worked for Howard Dean.

I liked Dean because he was perceived as the most liberal of the "electable" Dem candidates.

I handed out flyers. I gave away stickers. I wrote letters. I stuffed envelopes. I was part of the celebrated grass roots campaign that Dean organized.

I was a Deaniac.

Then one day I was in the Oscar Wilde Bookstore here in NYC. We were talking about politics and I mentioned that I was working for Howard Dean.

The afro-dyke behind the counter said "You know they are like a cult."

I asked how.

She said that the Deaniacs had no tolerance for free thinking or descent. She said that while he signed the domestic partnership law in Vermont, he'd done it at midnight with no media and that they were against gay marriage.

I really started to wonder about Dean. The Dean people seemed so affluent and condescending of me and many of the other workers. There was a Stalinism there that I started to see. We were supposed to put aside our own ideas, issues and opinions because there was a greater danger facing us- George W. Bush.

But what was worse? George Bush or self-censorship?

It all reached it's apex for me at a lower east side rally for Dean- it was a big one- loaded with VIPs. It was being filmed and it was packed.

At some point someone asked a question of the speakers. She wanted to know if we were going to call "it" civil unions or gay marriage when discussing LGBT rights.

The speaker said that we would have no problem with the gay community- that "they" would go along with "us" no matter what. He spoke as if there were no gay people in the room. Many of the wealthy liberals there were obviously uncomfortable with topic as if to say - "no controversy please"- "we have to appeal to Alabama and Mississippi. After all we have a more important thing to worry about- George Bush."- "What difference does it make."

Something in me kicked in that night. I thought about the aphro-dyke and what she had said.

So I raised my hand and told the room that they should not assume the gay and lesbian community would automatically follow them in lockstep. I said I certainly couldn't speak for the entire community but there were some who felt that civil unions were a "separate-but-equal" compromise and that we needed gay marriage.

It was like I let out a stink bomb in the room.

They all pointed their fingers at me. They got on their liberal crosses and bellowed how they got death threats for passing civil unions. How it was important to settle for what you could get.

They gave me crumbs and screamed at me to be grateful for it.

I didn't work for Howard Dean anymore. I went back to the bookstore and told the dyke she was right. She smiled knowingly and nodded.

Within weeks, the public debate was about "gay marriage" and "domestic partnerships" were no longer mentioned.

I watched the Dean campaign implode. Their arrogance is what cost them Iowa- not a microphone malfunction.

Seeing Howard Dean in action this week I was horrified. He is truly a monster. The Dems have a "by any means necessary" attitude now and they have already sold out the LGBT community. They will sell out many more before they are through. They are completely blind now- the cult mentality is in full force. They have not done any rethinking in years. It's as if they are oblivious to the fact that the elections are theirs to win anyway- why not take advantage of the fact that we all hate the current government and lead the country towards the massive reform it needs?- especially in education, health care and the environment? Why is port security their most important issue?

I have been so sure of myself so often politically and yet I always turned out wrong. I was wrong about Howard Dean that's for sure. For a long time I thought I was a monstrous flake for being all over the political map but as I write this i think it was a good thing- I learned a lot from it. In the continuim of life we all change. Today's liberal is tomorrow's conservative as they always say. Maybe that's why we need a democracy. Maybe that's why we should vote for the candidate's character not their party. Maybe we shouldn't take it all so personally. Maybe we shouldn't demonize the other side. Because the enemy may be where we have come from- or worse where we are going- and we just don't know it yet.